India: Goa . Are you going to Goa my way? (I'm smirking at this awful title.)

I have added two new entries my hate list.

So far it reads:
Camping.
Statues.
Alarm clocks.
Belarusian prostitutes.
Olives on pizzas.
Sunburn on my shoulders.

And the two latest entries are:
Mopeds.
Guys who stick their erect penises in the lower backs of girls on the dance floor.

I was in Goa, the Christian part of India settled by the Portuguese traders. It's a tropical paradise with amazing beaches and funny old Indian men speaking Portuguese. And for five days I just sat on a beach and not on a bus. I also got horribly burned. It's funny how I am an Australian with absolutely no sporting ability or a tan. When I go to the beach people use shades to protect them from my glaring white skin. I had tanned teeth and pearly white skin and I now have tanned teeth and horribly burned lobster red skin. But who cares? I wasn't on a bus.

The beaches of Goa.

Anyway so back to my hate list. The main way to commute around Goa is by moped/scooter. Two wheeled things are my enemy. It's my kryptonite. I only learned how to ride a bike when I was 17. Maybe it's my retarded co-ordination that makes me concentrate only on not falling off. I rented a scooter in Queensland a few years ago and I nearly died by uncontrollably veering it into oncoming traffic - totally my fault. I swore I would never ride one again. But it was a necessity in Goa so I compromised by only riding on the back of others.

But even that was a terrifying experience. I clung to the driver like a baby orangutan as they would speed round corners and zipp in and out of Elephants and oncoming Indian traffic. I had the involuntary reaction of telling them to "slow down" and "be safe". It was like I had tourettes syndrome. I would have been the worst backseat driver and I am surprised they didn't drive off a bridge to shut me up! I also insisted wearing a helmet. I think I was the only person in India wearing a helmet and locals could easily spot me as the shrieking testicle headed Australian.

Yup, I hate mopeds.

Also I'm an eternally skinny guy but I would like to think I save on gym fees by having the ability to string half a joke (and blog) together. I know that my 12 year old torso isn't going to attract the ladies so it may as well be my poor humor. But those guys that can just pick up girls on a dance floor by simply feeling them up are my nemeses. Maybe it's that I just lack confidence or that if I someone touched these girls in same way outside on a non a dance floor setting it would be considered assault.

Get over it Andrew! Goa reinforced the fact you can't do this and your kids will never tell their classmates that "My parents met when my dad ground his erect penis into my mum's lower back to a Jay Z tune".

Gee somebody is insecure! Wow, aren't I getting a bit off track.

Anyway, uh Goa was good. It's the home of great mopeds and dance floors.

PS: I also thought I would impress a girl by telling her the interesting fact that a Venus fly trap takes a week to eat a MacDonalds Cheeseburger. She wasn't impressed.